The birds start chirping at 4:45 a.m. every morning I hear them. I have been so wrapped up in the wrongs of my life that i can't sleep more than a couple of hours at a time. The middle of the night is now my best friend. There is silence except the birds singing their wake up songs. No one bothers me except my mind, which is overflowing with past regrets, mistakes made, and a longing to have my 3 children back in my life. Twenty years of revolving my life around caring for these once little ones, cleaning a big house, running errands, food shopping, clothes shopping, and car pooling back and forth to basketball and softball practices and games. Playing games, watching Disney movies, swimming down at our lake, or in the winter time, sleigh riding, baking cookies and cakes, making dinner, making sure homework was done, baths and showers taken, and bedtime secured. Where did the time go? All of a sudden, within three months, they were all gone. My partner played a part in them leaving, and the shame and guilt of not being strong enough at the time to step in, eats at my soul and brings tears on a daily basis. I was very ill with Crohn's, dehydrated, malourished, weak, and feeling as though I were dying. I had always been so strong and competent and handled everything I had to with a strength I could only have gotten from my Higher Power. Now, everything I lived for was gone. I know kids grow up and move out and begin their own lives, but I wasn't prepared for the quickness of their departure. I was divorced in 2006, and since then, I have not had a car or money of my own except in the past 6 months when i have received food stamps and cash assisstance and medicaid. I need to use a car service to get to my doctor's visits.
My world is turned inside out, and I can only hope that when I go for my SSI court date, i will recieve SSI and backpay, and i will be able to get a car, and have some independence and a way out of this house.
I never saw any of this coming, and at 56, I can't believe this is the way my life turned out. To be so strong and efficient and powerful all my life, and then to be so weak and dependent, is a nightmare I never imagined. I can only pray that after suffering for so long, and waiting for this court date for over 3 years, God may shine on me and lift me out of this abyss.